I'm back bastards. </3

And once more, I'm better than ever. I'm on the top of the world. I'm.. wow.. happy. I need to blab about my James. He's doing so much to me, and now I'm listening to that damned country song "Amazed" (its the only country song I like, its really sweet). And.. it's getting me to cry again because.. I realize a lot. That my love for him does not have any limits whatsoever. I love him, I love him I love him and I can't say it enough.... Shit, I can't. I can't. I'm a musician and I have my wonderful James. Life is perfect. I don't care about anything that's happened. It's over, this is the present. It's better than I could ask. I don't know how on earth I got this but I did and.. it's right. It's righter than anything else. James is truly, truly it. I don't care what happens next, just as long as I get to stand by him through it. I wanna protect him from everything, everything... My heart is in my chest again, I'm alive again, alive! I'm not dead. I've been dead for a few months and now I'm not. I'm so much better.. All in less than a week's work.

Okay, I swear.

I'll never smoke again, I'll try and avoid drinking. I'll take care of myself. I really well get clean and stay that way. I'm proud to say I haven't cut in two weeks. Through the urges and desires I have yet to rip open myself again. Guess looking at my legs sometimes bugs me. But I don't care, really. ah.. I'm warm inside, yet sooo cold.. I think I'm gonna head to sleep now. I fucked up my leg so I hope when I wake up it'll go away.

By the way. I figured out the INSANE way I'm going to write the last song for the first album. I'm going to have to wait till I feel like shit one night to do it though. It's only going to work when I feel a certain way. Yeah, I'm a lyrical smart ass. <3

Currently Gaming Katamari Damacy By SVG Distribution see related

Promise my friend a week without cutting.

I'm not gonna make it.

I hate all holidays. I hate every day living here with my mom. I'm gonna die to this one day and I'm not bloody kidding. This is so much harder than it seems.

Oh, yeah, sure, I won't cut for a week.

Right. I can't deal with it. It's too hard. I have to cut as much as I have to play the guitar. It's just a need in life that I can't live without. I'm addicted to a knife. I love it more than anything else. My heart is ice. There's nothing left. Everything is idiotic.

Stupid.

I'm stupid. Turn the tables, I'm the unsolved mystery that even the Scooby Doo gang can't figure out.

Who's behind the mask?

No one knows.

I'm everyone's shadow. I'm the kid with the hung head, the kid who never looks up.

I'm the one you love to torture.

I'm the dirt you step on. I'm the nothing in your head. I'm the sickening bastard you wish would end their life. Just so you don't have to see a dirty face again.

I'm your pain, hate, and sorrow. I'm the destruction in your life. I'm the one who takes you love. I'm the one who steals your soul then breaks it to pieces. I'm the one who you love to hate.

I'm the darkness in the night, the whisper in the wind. All these things and so much more, I'm not anything any more.

Once again I'm posting words that won't get rid of the pain. Nothing makes it go away. I'm young but so addicted to everything under the sun. One day I'll be strong again and shoot myself in the head.

I hear people say everyday, it'll be okay. It gets better than this.

Shake my head, this is the lies revealed.

Nothing gets better it only gets worse.

Currently Listening Seventh Heaven By T.M. Revolution Albireo see related

Looking at the ground.

Because that's all I can look out. I've lost my strengh. People want me to go on. Dallas believes in me. My boyfriend is trying to help but he's never on. Nothing is working. I'm starting to plan my suicide even more but I'm working so hard to get that album out. That one little album then it can all go away. People are just hurting me more and more and i'm hurting myself and it's all pretty damn crazy. I can't IM people anymore, I'm too afraid. I'm too antisocial, I'm too messed up. I need to talk but I'm mute. Smoking won't do the trick anymore, sex won't either. I need to buy an electrical guitar otherwise I'm not gonna make it. I found a new one at the mall I'm gonna try and buy. I need one. I'm not gonna make it without it. I need it. I'll die. I can't hold on much longer.

What would you do if:

 I committed suicide:
 I hugged you:
 I lived next door to you:
 I was hospitalized:
 I ran away from home:

What do you think about my :
 Personality:
 Eyes:
 Face:
 Hair:

About us :

Who are you?
When and how did we meet?
How have I affected you?
What do you think of me?
What's the fondest memory you have of me?
How long do you think we will be friends?
Have I ever hurt you?
Would you hug me?
Are we close?
Emotionally, what stands out?
Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Am I loveable?
How long have you known me?
Describe me in one word.
What was your first impression?
Do you still think that way about me now?
What do you think my weakness is?
What about me makes you happy?
What about me makes you sad?
What reminds you of me?
What's something you would change about me?
How well do you know me?
Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
Are you going to put this on your xanga and see what I say about you

And suddenly, the road not taken is worth taking. Suddenly my past has disappeared, nothing matters from that, nothing. My past was idiotic. The future is what is at risk and it doesn't look like it'll be quite as shity as I assumed.

I met this guy.

Yes, yes, another guy. And my female friends were hoping I'd go bi. Nope.

But him, he's really amazing. A slap in the face, a kiss to the forhead. I understand things all over again and I'm sitting back. I haven't attacked myself in the past ten hours. It's a slow process. My head's gonna get fixed, my life is going to get fixed and I'll live again. Live to die and die alone. Is that gone now?

All those times I said there was no one for me, is that all wrong? Am I wrong? I feel like I took some amazing drug last night and my mind is... cleared? Yeah, cleared is the word. Its weird. The cuts will heal, I'll heal, I'll get up. I'll show everyone one day. Show you all that beating me down has only made me a million times stronger. Every lie, every betrayal, every broken relationship. Everthing. It's all got me here, it's got me my music.

I'm okay again.